Kai's Guide to Girls
by DaNextDarkLord
Summary: In which everyone goes on dates, Mal is lonely and Kai has a theme song.


**AN: So, my first fic... R&R, constructive reviews make me happy, flames will be used to help Kai open portals to other dimensions. This was for an English assignment, so it had certain criteria that made it sucky. But enjoy anyway!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Cause of Death or any of the characters, but a girl can dream, right? *cough* dibsonMal *cough***

* * *

"See you later, Mal". Natara waved as she exited the station, collecting her bag on the way out. "Hey, where are you going? Got a Valentine's date with Mr Perfect Square Jawline?"  
"Actually, _Oscar _is at work, so I'm going shopping with Neha to pick up a dress for her school dance"  
"Oh dear God… enjoy that"  
"Yeah, I'm just going aiming to make sure she buys a dress, not a t-shirt, and doesn't get charged with underage drinking - again". Natara rolled her eyes – the polar opposite of her sister, Neha was a party girl, and wasn't above taking advantage of their father's social status when it came to having fun.

"So Ken… you wanna hit up the Drunk Tank after we clock out?"  
"Sorry Mal, got a date with Ames… Kai's probably free". Ken smirked at Mal as he left with Amy.  
Amy peeked back into the lab, before returning to Ken's side, screwing up her face in disgust. "Yeah, Kai's doing something with that bone from… I don't even know where he got that. I think he's trying to open a portal again. Sorry about leaving you alone again"  
"It's ok, I guess if I'm really desperate I could ask Junior..." "Jeremy's going out with Blaise" Ken interjected. "…Maria?" "Going out with Jennifer" Amy continued, "Annie's on camp, so they're having date night. And, I guess you're not desperate enough to ask Anders."

Mal looked ill at the thought of spending the evening with their new boss. "Ew, no. Well I guess I'll see if Diego's up for a game or two. Have fun on your date." "Sure Mal, happy Valentine's Day by the way!" Amy smiled, giving Mal a quick hug before exiting with the other detective. "Sure, I guess…" Mal sighed. He had had a lot of Valentine's Days since Sandra had left him, but he relieved this was the first he hadn't spent with Ken down at the Drunk Tank, joking around and hitting on all the single girls. He smiled to himself as he remembered that time he was chatting up a pretty brunette when her boyfriend had come back from the bar and dragged Mal outside. For all his quick wit and fast thinking, Mal was no fighter, especially when his opponent was as big and ugly as this one. Fortunately, Ken was certainly a fighter, and had no problem with punching stuff until they were out of trouble – but only partly why he was Mal's best friend. Of course, Mal had to get better at the fighting role when he got partnered with Natara. The FBI agent certainly wasn't just a pretty face, but she still preferred being the brains in their little team. "Hey Kai, you free…?" Yes, he was that desperate.

Later:

"Sorry Diego, I win again" Mal smirked as he collected the money from the table. "Aw c'mon man, I got no money left, all or nothing?" Mal shook his head, motioning to a long haired man in an awful Hawaiian shirt. "Got a 'date' with Kai." Kai noticed Mal and waved madly, walking over to join him. "Hey buddy! Ready to forget how lonely and pathetic your Valentine's has been by spending some time in my awesome presence!?"  
"Yeah, I can't do this" As Mal moved to get up, Kai pulled him back down into his seat. "Ok, Ok, I'll behave, I promise. So… why are you so down?"  
"Well… it's kinda stupid, but it's just that everyone seems to have a date today, and I haven't had a Valentine's date since… actually, not a single one after I divorced Sandra."  
"Sounds like you need Kai's Guide to Girls! _Na Na__Na Na__Na Na__Na Na__Na Na__Na Na__Na Na__Na Na_**… **_KAI KAI!"  
_"Seriously? A theme song? And not even an original one?"  
"Can't beat Batman, my friend"

Mal looked at Kai, face equal parts disbelief and grim acceptance of the fact he brought this on himself. "So what's 'Kai's Guide to Girls'?"

"Like the name suggests, it's a personalized advice manual on how to get you a date with your dream girl… The hottie FBI agent, I'm assuming?"  
"KAI! I don't… like Natara… uh... anyway, she's dating Oscar"  
"Yes, the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!"  
"So… Natara's a worm… or cheese?"  
"You're missing the point buddy, but whatever."

Ten minutes of Kai's rambling later:

"And so that is how you will end up with Natara!"  
"…that was ten minutes of manga references, and a slideshow presentation full of anime pictures. Wait a minute, how did you even get the projector in here? Nope, I don't wanna know… But wait a minute, if this works so well, why are you dateless?"  
"Well, actually I'm hiding from those girls we met at Comic Con last year – they just can't keep away from me."  
"Seriously? _Those girls? _The_ really gorgeous _girl geeks_? _Actually _want to date you?_"

Mal felt his phone vibrating in his back pocket. He took it out and flipped it open, answering the call.

"Hello?"  
"Hey Mal, it's Natara. Turns out Deb Holland had a partner in Cassie's murder; you need to get down to the beach now. You know the one where all the high schoolers have those bonfire parties?"  
"I'm on it!"

Mal shoved the phone back in his pocket, dashing out to his car. He yelled back over his shoulder, "Sorry Kai, gotta run!"

He arrived at the beach a few minutes later, in time to see a sight that stopped him dead in his tracks. Deb and some guy were standing on the cliff, pointing guns at Natara. She was speaking to them softly, and Mal only caught a few words. Deb and her boyfriend exchanged loaded glances, before placing the guns to their own heads.

What Natara said after that, Mal didn't know, but he heard the last sentence – "there's room in the world for a love like yours." The teen psychos hesitated, before dropping the guns and embracing, before allowing the late-as-usual backup to cuff them and lead them to the squad cars. Mal walked up to Natara, sitting on the rock next to her. "I guess they're lucky, really." Natara tilted her head to the side, silently questioning his reasoning. "I mean, if two messed up kids like them can find true love, maybe there's hope for the rest of us" Natara smiled, before returning to her serious demeanour. "On that topic… I broke it off with Oscar."

"What? Why? For real?" Mal's surprise was real – the concern for 'Nascar', as the couple had been dubbed, was not.

"Because… Oscar wasn't the one who caught the Maskmaker with me, he wasn't the one that always took me out for drinks at shady bars after work, he wasn't the guy who showed me the restaurant he frequently threw up in when drunk in high school, even though the staff always kicked him out. Oscar wouldn't make me eat burritostada, which I still don't know what it is, but I love it. Oscar doesn't know everything about me, and he wouldn't be able to reel it off to a killer to prove true love exists… that's you, Mal, and I love you."

Mal sat, stunned for a moment, suddenly hyperaware of how close Natara's lips were to his. He leaned in slightly, then…

"HEY! Oh… uh… sorry, am I interrupting? Cos, you know, I didn't think you were busy and then… OMG you guys are sooo cute, it's like now we have Jaise, and Marifer, and Kamy, and now… I GOT IT! Maltara!"  
"Kai?"  
"Yes, Mal dear?"  
"May I assume you've gotten all you wanted out of life and SHOOT YOU?"


End file.
